To open up to others I have to go within. My year 2017.
These last days were probably the most lonely I have been this whole year. Not alone. I feel more surrounded by people who love me than ever in my life. I am talking about me-time. About stillness. About coming home. Most of all to myself. To my true self.
Reflecting on the last year I started to write down my highlights of 2017 two days ago. After I had been sitting in my power this morning and indulging in my emotions that were coming up I was realising I need to open up more. I need to speak from my heart. Yes, I could write about all the great successes I had like building up a new company which will be found soon in the new year, like making a few cooperations with big companies and organisations that will push my work and help me be successful with it, like working on new projects and also old projects where I had an impact on different successful outcomes in 2017. But that would not be me. I have to talk about what really really triggers me. I have to seek for my real truth hiding behind the layers of security and comfort deep within my heart. I have to gently ask this part of me to come out and show it to you like a shy animal or kid that is scared of being in the light and seen by others. So please know this is written from a vulnerable point of me and a pretty awesome step on my journey for me.
When I look back over the last year I can see and feel my search for becoming who I truly am. I feel I cracked open so many times last year like a child that is starting to walk I fell over and over and had to get myself up again and again to make the next step. To try again. To learn and find out.
Starting with my 40st birthday in last January which felt that it might be a real turnaround of my life not only because it was a round number. And that was why I also had decided to have a big party and invite all the great people that were part of my first 40 lives on this planet. And it was so touching who came even the longest journeys to celebrate with me that night. I still look back to that weekend very often and just am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. It makes my heart melt every time I think back. And it turns out that I wasn’t wrong with my expectations for the year to be a real turnaround. It just did not turn out the way I thought in the beginning.
In the talks I had with my closest friends over the last days I always mentioned that I visionaries my last year as a pirouette. Me being the dancer of my life I was so willing to use this year to turn my life around, to break free from the bonds that were still keeping me from being free and unfolding who I really am. I put all my courage and strength together, I jumped and then I really flew, I turned, I somehow swirled around myself. To finally land on my feet again, a bit shaky still, not really knowing yet whether this pirouette was what I really needed. But I needed to do it to finally touch ground again. To feel to be held again. To know where my feet need to be to be on track again and regain strength for the next move. Whether it is going to be a pirouette again or some other slide that wants to be created.
LIFE IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENS WHILE YOU ARE MAKING OTHER PLANS. John Lennon
It is somehow paradox that I used this line as the headline for an article I wrote in the middle of last year to write about my plans about moving to Munich and changing my life to live there. I would never have imagined not to even live there in the end. I was full in. I moved all my stuff into an apartment in Munich. I celebrated a big farewell party on the most beautiful ship that exists in Hamburg. I left with one crying and one exciting eye looking forward to the great life I have being picturing in my fantasy.
And then it just turned out different.
Hamburg never really let me go. I never really let go. The people I gathered around me in the last ten years since I came back last time to Hamburg are amazing beings. And it is where I truly found my family of friends. Yes, I have some really good and long time friends in Munich as well and I am very very grateful that my short excursion to Munich was also bringing them back closer into my life. I know there is a stronger bond now to Munich again and I will be back more and for more. But in the end I had to be true to myself and recognise that my home is Hamburg. Hamburg Lovetown.
Have you ever realised that you are a different person regarding to where you are? The same way as you are a different person depending on who you are with? The colours of your soul shine slightly different and bring out slightly different aspects of you in various shades. Well, as much as there are places in this world where I feel really attracted to like South Africa, Hawaii, Bali or the coast of Portugal – all those places bring out a part of myself which I want to connect more with and which I want to bring out more of – Hamburg is the place where I really feel home. Where I feel I can truly be myself. Where I found the people with whom I can be the best version of myself. Where I can allow myself to unfold the different aspects of myself.
There was no exact day when I decided to come back to Hamburg. It was more a process, a long sliding out of the pirouette. It was the many many places I walked by, I found myself in as well as the many encounters with the people I call myself my Hamburg family.
Some of you definitely know who you are but there are at least the same of you who might not even have a clue that you have been part of my decisions to come back.
It is crazy somehow that the contract for my Munich apartment is already prepared for somebody else to be signed early in the new year and I will be back in Hamburg with all my stuff even before my birthday.
And yet, I do not feel I make a step back. Much more I feel I have now found the stillness within myself. I have come closer to the meaning of what you seek is seeking you.
WHAT YOU SEEK IS SEEKING YOU. Rumi
This year was full of looking outside and then connecting to my heart and feeling into myself to find out what my reflection, my reaction on the experience on the outside was triggering in my inside. Starting with Hawaii. The trip with my beloved friend Lena who I know since we were teenagers became one of the most important experiences in my life. The first part of the trip in Maui felt weird. We were feeling we were not in the right place, as if something was not really in the flow, we did not enjoy it too much. Don’t get me wrong, the island is just beautiful and the people were really nice and blablabla. But I did not feel it. I was almost at the point saying, I do not get why all the people always say so great things of Hawaii, maybe it is just a very commercial holiday place for surfers and sun seekers. BUT. Then we went for the second part of our trip to Kauai. And this really changed my life. It is even hard to explain in words, and it might sound very cheesy, but I have to say it anyways: The time we had on Kauai felt like we had entered heaven. What we assume heaven must be like. The energy in this place, those people we met wherever we went, the unbelievable beautiful nature – the greatest sunrises, beaches, mountains, waterfalls, flowers, just EVERYTHING. I mean, really everyday was magic. There were gates opening for us to explore the island, meet fabulous people, we were taken in from the first day by our hosts as part of their family of friends, we experienced so many treasures of this island, culture and nature. But the most magical I experienced was the energy of that place. Just the feeling of the land where we are walking on. The light and love in every moment. How this island made me become and transform more into the version of myself I am today. The impacts the experiences on that island had and still have on my being are gigantic.
Was it because I was creating it? Because I was allowing things to unfold? Because I was finally allowing myself to be more of the real me and this energy was attracting more of what I was wishing for my life to appear?
In Kauai I found the trust in life. Trust of this experience of the path of our lives. That we are on a journey to finally come home again. That we are all here to walk each other home. That there is nothing we need more than love. Love ourselves and each other. Love the amazingly magical world we life in. Be in awe of every moment.
AND IF YOU ARE REALLY HONEST TO YOURSELF YOU CANNOT DENY THAT THERE IS MAGIC ALL AROUND US.
Shortly after my trip to Hawaii I went to my college for spiritualism the first of four times this year. The course was called “The power within”.
For those who have not heard about the college before or not read an article from me about it yet, let me explain: Arthur Findley was one of the big mediums in the last century and left his heritage in Stansted to build a school for mediumship and spiritualism. It became a place where people from the whole world are traveling to to learn from the best tutors over the world. It is a true magical place and no coincidence people who come there call it “our Hogwarts”. If you come there the first time you are just overwhelmed by the energy of the place, the beauty, the wisdom that is hanging in the air – together with the spirits. Yes, it is a place where you learn to build up a connection by intention to shouls who are not within us anymore. And I was as sceptical as most of you who read this now when I went there the first time. But you never come there without a reason, so it was for me as well. When you first time make the experience of connecting to another soul, it is like falling in love the first time. You will never forget this experience your whole life. And you will never be able to not believe in love. It is opening a world of wonder and magic that is not possible to explain in words and logic. You have to believe, trust and let yourself fall into it.
The week “The Power Within” was exactly what I needed after my trip to Hawaii. To learn to trust myself. To be assured through my tutors, the experiences in the course and mainly by opening my heart and being honest and true to myself, that there is a new path opening up for me. It is the most delicate and vulnerable part of me. This part of me asks me to let go of all the security shelters I have build up for myself over the last forty years. It asks me to let go of the control I assume to have about my life, my path, myself. It asks me to take the risk of showing up who I am and speak the truth from my heart. To be open to be rejected and walked away from by people I might have been close for a long time. It asks me to let go of all the masks I have learned to carry around with me to use them in the different roles I have learned to take on to walk through life.
In this course we were asked “Who are you if you are not the daughter. If you are not the girlfriend, not the friend, not the colleague, not the boss, not the profession you have, not the creative personality you are, nothing of all the roles you take on while walking through life. Who ARE you?” It is the most profound question I ever had to answer. And the most freeing one.
This week in the college showed me that I do not have to go to far away places to find myself. I just have to look within.
This week showed me I do not have to learn and gain another competence to be better in my job or more appreciated. I just have to be myself.
This week reminded me that I don’t have to look for love outside of me. That I don’t have to look for permission to life the life I wish for myself. I just have to love myself and the life I live.
Here is the article I wrote about the week right after it: http://loveyourselfmore.eu/do-you-believe-in-life-after-life/
DONT PRETEND TO WORK ON YOUR DREAMS. MAKE A COMMITMENT TO SHOW UP AND LIVE THEM.
Following my intention to make more space for the true me I was lucky to experience with it when I was invited for a workshop by my amazing friend Kyra into the Austrian mountains in March. There I was given the opportunity to hold space for fourteen successful and powerful women for a day to step into their seeking of who they really are, what they really want in life and how they can achieve it. It was a wonderful, touching, beautiful experience. This workshop was the moment where I felt I wanted to work more with the empowerment of woman and how we can strengthen the female principles in this world. But it was also leaving me with the feeling of missing something out. Like on a puzzle where you miss a few parts and therefore the picture is not “ready” yet. I knew I will work with women like this and I felt the urge of going deeper than I could go on this day but I did not really have a clue yet what was missing there.
After the workshop in the mountains I had the impulse to open up even more about my mediumistic path and wrote a long post about it on Facebook on April 14th. The feedback was so touching and encouraged me even more to follow this path and open up. It is like little baby steps you carefully take to gain more security that you can do it. That you only have to believe in yourself, just do it and never ever give up. And it reassured me that I have a gift I want to share with the world to help people and support them to find love. Love for themselves, for others and finally love the life they live. Or you could also say find a way to live the life they love.
Shortly after the post I made plans with my dear friend Kristina, who also was the one who convinced me to go the college the first time, to offer evenings for Spiritualism in Hamburg, Munich and Berlin. I am so deeply grateful for these experiences, because they showed me that people are interested and open for this. I am so lucky I had Kristina on this path with me, without her I would not have had the courage to do those evenings. There is always a reason why people show up in your life. With this one I know for sure we made a deal long before coming to this world to support each other on this path.
End of April we had our first official spiritual evening in Munich. The ones in Berlin and Hamburg should follow in June, so I wrote an article to introduce into my world of spiritualism. You can read it here: http://loveyourselfmore.eu/knock-knock-knock-on-heavens-door/
In the very beginning of May I went to my first Trance Workshop with my teacher Bill Thomson. I am thankful he pushed me to go as I never had thought of being a trance medium. In trance you have to sit in your power for a very long time and practice to go so deep in your meditation that finally a spirit comes through and you are the channel of their speaking. Again I found myself in a situation where I was so sceptical I did not really believe that it is possible.
And again I took the risk and courage to let myself fall in it. Like falling deeply in love. Giving up your scepticism, allowing the process to do the work, and just letting go. The experiences I had on that weekend were again something I had never experienced before. The emotions and feelings I got from those who came through were so real in that moment, that I cannot deny what I have experienced. I was sitting in trance for hours and had the feeling it was just minutes afterwards. The messages I gave seemed ridiculous and meaningless to me but made a huge impact to the life of my sitter. Feeling the love that comes through in those moments, this unconditional love that is not an emotion but a really true and essential sensation like the love of life and the connection you have with the universe when you sit at the beach and watch the sun set. To experience that you have this love inside of you no matter where you are, no matter what situation you are in, no matter how you feel in that moment is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.
Still one of the biggest struggles is how you integrate this in your humanly life. My experiences in the college and the workshops I went through in the last year all have the same message: You are the energy that is attracting more of what you are carrying inside. Whatever you believe for yourself becomes the reality for yourself. Everything on the outside is a reflection on the inside. The battles we carry out in our life on the outside are the battles we fight in the inside.
To give it another explanation: I truly believe we have chosen our life as a soul before we come here. I truly believe all the people we meet are souls we were connected before coming here. Everybody we make an experience with has decided upfront to give us the experience. Whether it is a so called good one or a bad one. The people who let us struggle and go through pain are sometimes the best teachers of our life. They help us to crack open, to learn, to grow. As human beings we do not understand this path, we forget our intention for coming here the moment we are given birth. But our soul still knows. Our soul is constantly trying to remind us. Life is constantly giving us opportunities to grow, to learn, to develop. To find out what our true purpose is, what the task is we came here for, we have to look within. We have to let go of the roles our mind wants us to give, we have to let go of the expectations we think will make our life successful. We have to give ourselves to the path that is unfolding for us. And listen to our heart. Our heart is the voice of our soul and it will always tell the truth. It will always show us though our feelings whether we are on the right path or not. The only thing we have to learn again and to develop is to feel, to listen to our heart, to speak from our heart, to live from our heart. Therefor we have to love ourselves first. It makes it so clear for me today why the coaching program I developed over the last three years is called Love Yourself More. It is my personal path which I had to go through to make experiences I am able to share now with others to help them find their personal truth. It is the most fulfilling feeling to see my clients struggling with their life when they show up on my door and to guide them through a process where they finally find joy and love for their life. It is not always easy as it also wasn’t for me, the path is sometimes dark and stony, but in the end you will be free and received and full of joy. And life will not stop giving you lectures and battles until you have learned to follow your heart and live your truth. Even if it will take your whole life. In the end, it is only about how much you tried to follow your purpose. To fulfill your task. To find your own path.
IF YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE IT, THEN WHAT YOU ARE UNDERGOES A TRANSFORMATION. Jidda Krishnamurti
There were three more weeks in the college in the last year and every week was a huge transformational shift for myself. It feels I had been in a catapult of my own development and am still processing on how to integrate all of this into my worldly purpose. And every landing back into the real life was somehow rocky. Part of it because facing the truth also means I have to let go more and more of the old beliefs and patterns I was holding on to for such a long time. Mainly because I return into my comfort zone, put on my masks again, hide behind some roles and am looking to find happiness in the places my mind told me were the goals to reach. How to be successful in my projects, how to make money, how to live the relationship that will make me look to have finally found the love I am looking for. This is what we learn and where we are very good in: never be happy with what you have, always try for more, always push yourself to be better.
Sitting here and writing this article I realize that I have everything. Sure there is still the eager for growth. But for this moment, I must, no I want to admit, that I have everything I need in this moment. I have wonderful people in my life including my birth family who I love and share the greatest time with. I work on projects, with people and for causes I am really proud of to be part of and feel I am making an impact on. I have enough money to live a good life, always a nice home to sleep, healthy food, and even to make travels and study. I am having a lot of time to spend on my personal development, on experiences which open areas for me I have never dreamed to reach. And I have found love where I have expected it the least and am allowing myself to just let it be the way it is: a very personal and truly wonderful experience that is opening my heart and lets me explore very special moments.
I could go on now with this article and write down all the encounters, workshops, spiritual evenings, sittings I had which all for its own are a single seed in my development. But I don’t want to make this article to become a boring one. I feel it’s enough now. Reflecting on the year myself, I can see how many shifts I have made. How many little steps I have taken to come out with this very special gift to see more, feel more and being able to connect to a higher source.
And I know it is the time now for me to step out of the shelter with this, to set the intention to offer my service and step into my own power.
The last four months of this year were somehow a time in-between time and places. I had an apartment in Munich but was not really there. I spend a lot of time in Hamburg, Berlin, Portugal, Barcelona, England and my home in the Black Forest. I had many different homes during those months and I am more than thankful to my dear friends all over those places who are so kind to let me stay with them wherever I need to be. But most of all I am grateful for myself. That I have allowed myself to experience this. That I had the courage to let go of all the expectations. To just let me be in the moment, contemplate, wait for new opportunities to show up and follow what felt good to me. The biggest growth happens when you are in stillness. It is the same experience with creativity and inspiration. It comes when you are not pushing it, when you are letting yourself go and allow it to happen. So weird it make sound but the months where I did not really have a home I felt home the most because I found my home in myself. And there is nothing and nobody who can take that away from you ever again.
I am deeply grateful of all the experiences, the opportunities to explore, to slowly come out of my shelter where I am hiding myself. I can feel how my trust grows and I am becoming more and more bold about who I truly am. I am so grateful for so many people in my life who showed up in exactly the right moment. Who came back into my life to walk further with me now after having disappeared for some time. And so many new beautiful souls I was lucky to meet through my new path and what I am sharing with them today.
DONT BE SOMEONE OTHERS WILL LIKE. BE WHO YOU ARE AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU WILL COME INTO YOUR LIFE. AND STAY. Kyle Gray
My intention for the next year is to find my place as a spiritual consultant and coach. I will always work on projects and build innovations that will make our world better. But mainly I want to be a consultant and coach for people who are looking for their own path in this life.
And so it is.
I wish you all a very happy and joyful start into 2018.
Never forget: You are the creator of your life!
Love you all,